Jennifer announced her retirement suddenly and reluctantly a week ago.
Before she told me I overheard it
while she was talking to Cindy in the kitchen.
I didn't know how to feel at first.
It must have been a mixture of relief and regret.
She had been fairly healthy and fit for her age
but she started looking very tired and haggard this year.
Even so I didn't expect her to retire within this year.
I believed I knew her.
At the same time I sincerely felt sorry for her not to have a luxury
to relax at her age though.
No sooner had I started working with her than I found myself uncomfortable with her.
She was naturally a nice person
but to my dismay she got under my skin in every respects.
I couldn't stand the way she was talking about her daily life.
She had to talk to people( including me) about what happened exactly
without omitting any details,
without any summarizing techniques.
She always conveyed " direct dialogue" which almost always suffocated me.
I don't know why I was annoyed so much.
I don't believe it did to anyone else as much as it did to me.
She hated any kinds of changes like any conservative stubborn old lady did.
She was literally in confusion and even frustration with lots of changes
she couldn't handle both technically and socially.
Computerized work environment, self check out at supermarkets, internet banking etc.
A high rate of Immigration led to a bigger population which again turned into
rocketing housing price,heavy traffic and
daily inconveniences or worse crime rates increase
she never came across before.
I was shocked at first when she admired English royals as the degree of deity
even though Australia and UK are definitely different countries now.
She of course supported extreme right wing party and leader
hoping they would further prevent these negative influx into Australia
just like or more like opinions of Paulin Hanson.
I have never seen such an inflexible person so far in my life.
If she believed something she closed her ears to something else.
I was sick and tired of hearing her say about what it was like before.
She had her own routine.
She drank a light black tea with plain biscuits and hard cheese for morning tea every day.
She had a cup of hot coffee with one spoonful of sugar along with sweet cookies or chocolate at midday.
When I didn't know about her I brought different kinds of cheese for her and obviously she never touched it.
She seemed extremely scared
of any possibility to be offered to try a strange smelly kind of food.
She never arrived at work on time.
Almost always 5 to 10 minutes late.
I had to see her embarrassed face every morning followed by the same traffic excuses.
That's how day started.
Even before she came I started feeling negative energy ringing in my ears.
Obviously she never planned ahead for her annual leaves or anything.
Mostly she resented it when she didn't get positive feedback about this.
I don't support people who were disorganized
and blamed others for unfavorable consequences.
My facial expression never betrayed my emotions usually.
Then she sensed it ,stiffened and tension built up.
That's it.
How stupid vicious cycle we were in!
Please don't get me wrong.
I had to crack the outer shells
I built around my own self-right conviction every now and then.
I tried numerous times.
Everyday in fact.
Recently she got the hint finally and stopped explaining less why she was late to me.
What an improvement!
Also she tried to give me peaceful time when I was having lunch.
I was OK with her having coffee occupying the place just next to me when I was having lunch.
But not always.
It's a cruel torture for her to sit at her desk not talking to anyone more than 5 minutes.
But I needed a quiet time more often than she did.
She was on the phone whenever possible.
Her 3 children, sister, relatives and friends were calling her constantly.
They forgot where they called and kept on talking almost always.
She often laughed a high pitched laugh in between talks on the phone which was very loud.
For no reason it got on my nerves.
On the other hand I felt sorry for her.
If only we got on along all right
I could have let her loose her inner oppressed feelings and emotions
like she did with some other people.
She must have thought I was a very rude person.
She got told off by boss numerous times about being late and long frequent private phone calls
but it never affected her to change but provoked her temper only.
I realized you never could change people.
In her own terms she had strong work ethics.
She tried to push me many times based on her belief
but after a couple of years of experiencing my bad temper
she seemed to realize it's better to leave me alone.
Not totally though.
On good days we maintained good relationship.
We had many good days of having good laughs and talks,
but abruptly bad days invaded us from no where from time to time.
It came so suddenly when I was thinking defenselessly I was over it
or the negative feelings toward her that I despaired.
I ended up feeling miserable and hopeless because of the notion
I couldn't control my emotions.
I had struggled with this hard relationship over the time.
She was often the subject in my mind I tried to sort.
Despite many facts by which she was annoying
I suffered from good person syndrome and guilt which was killing me.
It's true if you hate or dislike someone it poisons yourself not that person.
Now it's time for me to be free from her or guilt finally
and move on.
During last week knowing her leave very soon, everything seemed bearable to me.
Everything was easier.
It's not that she's changed.
It's my perspective that changed.
It's all I knew before already.
Then what is the problem?
I know I know.....
On her last day I laughed at what could have made us frown at each other before.
I should have had more sense of humor before like this case
then it would have been easier between us.
Oh well it's too late but it is never too late to realize what went wrong and got some lessons from it.
At least I want to believe so.